Anonymous is one smart cookie...

"Sometimes I feel that my life is a series of trapeze swings. I'm either hanging onto a trapeze bar swinging along or, for a few moments, I'm hurtling across space in between bars. Most of the time I'm hanging on for dear life to my trapeze bar of the moment. It carries me along at a certain steady rate of swing and I have the feeling that I'm in control of my life. I know most of the right questions and even some of the right answers. But once in a while as I'm merrily swinging along, I look ahead of me into the distance and I see another bar swinging towards me. It's empty and I know, in that place in me that knows, that this new trapeze bar has my name on it. It is my next step, my growth, my aliveness coming to get me. In my heart-of- hearts, I know that for me to grow, I must release my grip on the present, well-known bar to move to the new one.

Each time it happens, I hope and pray that I won't have to grab the new trapeze bar. But in my knowing place I realize that I must totally release my grasp on my old bar and for sometime I must hurtle across space before I can grab onto the new bar. Each time I am filled with terror. It doesn't matter that in all my previous hurtles across the void of unknowing, I have always made it. Each time I am afraid I will miss -that I will be crushed on unseen rocks in the bottomless chasm between the bars. But I do it anyway. Perhaps this is the essence of what the mystics call the faith experience. No guarantees, no net, no insurance policy, but you do it anyway because somehow, to keep hanging onto that old bar is no longer an alternative. And so for an eternity that can last a microsecond or a thousand lifetimes, I soar across the dark void of "the past is gone, the future is not yet here." It is called transition. I have come to believe that it is the only place that real change occurs.

I have noticed that in our culture this transition zone is looked upon as a nothing - a no-place between places. Surely the old trapeze bar was real and that new one coming towards me, I hope that's real, too. But the void in between? That's just a scary, confusing, disorienting "nowhere" that must be gotten through as fast and as unconsciously as possible. What a waste! I have a sneaking suspicion that the transition zone is the only real thing, and that the bars are illusions we dream up to avoid the void where the real change, the real growth, occurs for us. Whether or not my hunch is true, it remains that the transition zones in our lives are incredibly rich places. They should be honored - even savored. Even with all the pain and fear and feelings of being out-of-control that can accompany transitions, they are still the most alive, most growth filled, most passionate, most expansive moments in our lives."

And so, transformation of fear may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but rather with giving ourselves permission to "hang out" in the transition between trapeze bars. Transforming our need to grab that new bar...any bar...is allowing ourselves to dwell in the only place where change really happens. It can be terrifying. It can also be enlightening, in the true sense of the word. Hurtling through the void --we just may learn how to fly.

--Anonymous

A poem

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.

by Dorothy Nolte, from her book "Children Learn What They Live: Parenting to Inspire Values".

Clothes, Clothes and more Clothes......

Love this hand-me-down thing!!!!

Thank you Melissa and Molly!

Making Applesauce

I was on the phone with my friend Gayle, who has two daughters Lydia, 4 and Adaline, 1. We were talking about the daycare center she recommended and that Arny and I visited a couple of weeks ago. The kids were home because of election day and and while we were talking, I could hear them in the background. Gayle was making applesauce and the girls were doing some sort of art project. Addie started to cry, partially because she got her hand caught and partially because her big sister was not paying her enough attention. I could hear Gayle picking her up because the crying got louder...much louder. Previously, I would have done the "gotta go" thing, as the sound of a crying baby was not one of my favorites. Instead, I felt a pull at the other end of the phone that made me wish I was the one there to comfort her. We continued talking, or I should say, I listened as Gayle did the comforting........and still I felt that pull........what was it? ..................mmmmmmmm.........I do believe it was "maternal instinct" kicking in........................

She's Out There

Today I realized for the first time....She is out there waiting for us. Actually, it was my friend Julie, who I have known since I was six and is almost as excited about the adoption as we are who mentioned it. We were on the phone and she said "only a few more months and you'll see her". "Yeah, yeah, yeah", I thought to myself rather nonchalantly. You see, now there is only waiting. No filling out forms, no writing checks, no fingerprint appointments. Just waiting. There is nothing to do so there is nothing to say. People keep asking, "what's happening?". "Nothing". "Any news?". "No". "Any word?". "Nothing". Nothing, nothing, nothing, just waiting........and waiting..........................and waiting.

But then, after we hung up, I started thinking. I started calculating. They refer children no younger than 6 months and we are expecting our referral in March, and well, that's 4 months away.

Oh my God, she's out there!! Waiting. Hopefully snuggling in her crib right now, belly full and warm, dreaming of things that will make her wake with a smile. Does she sense we are waiting to come for her? Does she realize how many people here can't wait to meet her? Does she have a clue how crazy we are and how much fun she will have eating ice cream and pretzels (my favorite) for dinner? As I wonder, there's a tug on my heart........

Halloween: A Conspiracy

It is. I truly believe this. A consortium of diet industry executives got together and figured the whole thing out. I imagine, it went something like this....

Bob: You know, we have done a pretty good job of brainwashing the entire world on their need to diet in order to a) be happy, b) be successful, c) get the man/woman of our dreams, d) make lots of money, e) fit into the dress you wore at your high school prom 20 years ago. What we really need now is that failsafe way to insure that in the slight chance all of the crap we advertise actually works and people really do loose weight, people will still gain weight and need to diet.

Jim: I know!! - let's invent a holiday where once a year, little kids dress up and go around asking for candy. Adults will have to buy this candy and they will swear not to touch it. But, ha ha ha, they will not be able to resist!!!!!!!!!!

Carole: Yes, but it will have to be a multi-tiered approach. It isn't good enough just to keep it in the home. We have to expand....

Bob: Right you are Carole, let's encourage people to bring the extra candy into the office.

Jim: Excellent idea, Bob. That way, we get all those people without kids who may think they are safe if they keep their door locked and lights off during the night, so they don't have to deal with the whole "candy buy".

Carole: And, with the holiday season fast approaching, those extra pounds will have to come off fast. This will make all of our "superfast" diet programs that much more desirable.

Jim: We're good.

Carole: Yes, we are.

Bob: Let's celebrate. Outback's having their all you can eat buffet..

Carole: I'm there!!!!!!!!!!!!

Toys"R"Us Update

I discussed my theories about Toys"R" us with Arny, and thinking going into a toy store with a small child and buying them toys is fun, has volunteered to take on this responsibility.


I am thrilled...............................................................
.............if only he felt the same way about changing poopy diapers.

Toys"R"Us...........why??

Today during lunch I walked over the the Toys"R"Us store in Times Square. Now you may be wondering why, as a seasoned New Yorker, I would put myself in the middle of Times Square on a Wednesday - matinee day, with a zillion people, most of whom have cameras and are standing in the middle of the crosswalk looking up. Not just in the middle of Times Square, but in the middle of the Times Square Toys"R"Us, a store so big it has a full sized, working ferris wheel in it. And I don't even have a child, yet. Call me crazy, I just wasn't thinking. I had to buy a gift card for a friend who just had a baby - a bunch of people contributed and I volunteered to get it. What was I thinking??

You will be pleased to know I did manage to get in and out without running over any pint sized tourists, but I got to wondering: is it possible to get through your child's childhood without ever actually going into that store with your child. Do they really have to know it exists? When you walk by, could you hold your hand over your childs eyes and start playing peek-a-boo? Could you throw out all of the circulars that come in the Sunday paper so they don't see the funny looking giraffe selling all those funny looking toys? If they do see the store, could you make some excuse like "no honey, it's not a real store, it's only a pretend store". Would that work and if so, for how long?

Anabelle, Ami, Alexandra, Ariana, Amiana.........

Ella Rose, Katherine, Elizabeth, Isabelle, Charlotte, Samantha, Tara, Raven........
Raven????!!!???? I don't think so.

Out of Control

I am. Not. In. Control.

Yesterday we received a letter from our agency stating that our log in date (date our translated dossier is logged in at the Chinese Center for Adoption Affairs) is July 27, 2005. To say I am disappointed is an understatement. Our Dossier to China date was June 24 and it seems that the time frame FOR ALMOST EVERYONE ELSE is about 3 weeks from that date to the LID. Ours is about 5 weeks from DTC and I spent a portion of last night trying to figure out why. There is no answer.
I am.
Not.
In.
Control.

2 weeks may not be a big deal. Or it could be. Referrals are running about 7 months from LID. This puts us at end of February for one. I thought we would get one the end of January. We still could. But it's hard. Waiting to find out. Because.
I am.
Not.
In.
Control.

The whole process of adoption is made up of waiting. Waiting for paperwork, waiting for approvals, waiting for appointments. Waiting for dates. I fill out the forms, send the forms.
And wait.
And wait. And wait. And while I am waiting,
I am.
Not.
In.
Control.

I know this and devised a little game to gain some control (in my mind only). I estimate when things will happen and somehow the estimation becomes, in my mind, fact.
I know this is wrong.
I can't help it.
When someone is pregnant, they wait 9 months too. But their baby is right there inside them. They can talk to them, they can sense when something may not be right. My child is out there somewhere and I can't stand it that I will be kept from her any longer than necessary - even if it is only 2 weeks or a month. Who is taking care of her? Are they doing a good job? Is she cold? Is she hungry? Is she happy? Will she know that
I am.
Not.
In.
Control.