Dreaming

Last night I had my first baby dream in a long time. She was small, with a cap of short but thick black hair and I held her the entire dream. I had her, but nothing else - no bottle, no food, etc. We went into a store, but I don't remember buying anything. Then, we had a stroller, which I promptly left on the bus. Luckily, she wasn't in it.

Bundle of Joy #1

I am pleased to announce the first of the "martini girls" just got her referral and is a proud mom to Juliana, a 7 month old gorgeous and happy little girl currently residing in an orphanage in China!!!

The "Martini Girls" are actually three of us who met on-line (this seems to be a habit with me, meeting the important people in my life on-line). We are all adopting from China and have log-in-dates (the very important date your paperwork gets logged into the China Center for Adoption Affairs, the Chinese agency that facilitates the adoption process) close to each other. What this means is that we will all be getting our referrals, the documentation that tells us we are now parents and exactly who we are parents of, within months of each other.

We get together occasionally (lately, every chance we can) to commiserate over the wait, discuss daycare VS nanny, what stroller to buy, bitch about the wait, how to fit everything we need into our NYC apartments and most importantly, have a cocktail (or four) and BITCH about the wait. I'm sorry, did I mention that we BITCH ABOUT THE WAIT!!!!!!. We occasionally include our husbands in the festivities and have even sent them out for the manly steak and "bitch about the wives BITCHING ABOUT THE WAIT" dinner.

We were lucky enough to have scheduled a dinner for all six of us last night, the same day Lori and Marc got to see a picture of their daughter for the first time. I made them come over to our house, because I didn't want to embarrass anyone (me) by starting to cry in the restaurant and am I glad I did, because as soon as I saw her picture, I started to cry because at that moment, this whole thing became real. There is an actual baby at the end of this very long journey. And she was right there, in the picture. Ok, so it wasn't my baby, but a baby none the less. But she looked happy and healthy and just like Marc - I'm not kidding. I looked at the picture and then at Italian, medium dark haired and bearded Marc and there was a distint resemblance (minus the beard). And I knew that I get to share in their joy. And be part of their amazing journey. And then be part of Michelle and Evan's. And then, it will be our turn. And we will have our daughter. And I smiled. A really big, happy peaceful smile................And then Arny said he hopes she looks like me....

Just Another useless item OR a life saver for people like me..

..who feel sure they will leave their baby on the bus, on the subway, in a store - anywhere where they are not supposed to be left.

While browsing on the Target website and updating my registry, I saw this. I can't decide if I think it is absolutely ridiculous and yet another item marketed to the most paranoid fears of us soon-to-be moms, or a useful tool for the safety of my baby.

You see, ever since I started the adoption journey, I have been joking around with my friends that I will "leave the baby on the bus". Back in the 80's when I was a very independent "never getting married, never having children" woman, I got a tee-shirt that was a take off on a Roy Liechtenstein print that said "Oh my God, I left the baby on the bus!!!"

Now, at 49 and about to be a mother for the first time, that is a distinct possibility. You know how when you get older, you tend to misplace where you put things; your keys. glasses, whatever. Last week I left my handbag at work, got on the subway and all the way down to my stop before realizing it. Yes, it was a Friday and I couldn't go an entire weekend without my wallet and more importantly, my make up. Luckily when I rushed back, the office was still open and I could get it. Yes, a baby isn't an object and being the concerned, loving mother I am (or will be) I would never do something so neglectful. I am just not so sure.

My friend Michelle suggested getting one of those glove holder things; you know the string with the clip that goes on one glove and then through the arms of the coat to the other glove, so they don't get lost. I actually saw someone on the street with a variation of this and it didn't look so bad. The children's leash thing really bugs me, but this was subtle. However, the electronic thing is invisable, and only if I push the little "oh my God, I lost my baby!!!" button will anyone know it's there. But the bad thing about this is the apparently skreeching sounds that eminates from my child, immediately rendering her scarred for life.

I Will Always Wonder

Last November, 27 people were arrested for child-trafficking in the Hunan province of China. They were accused of selling the babies to orphanages who then adopted them out to waiting families worldwide, including the United States. They were recently convicted and sentenced to between 3 and 15 years.

The Washington Post published a rather sensational version of the events of the trial, making the speculative leap that the children who were trafficked were "stolen" from their parents and then "sold" to eager U.S. families. The article insinuated that the child who belonged to the parents who were interviewed was kidnapped specifically for U.S. adoption. Given she was 16 months old at the time of the kidnapping, it is more likely she was kidnapped as a future wife for someone in China or for other unsavory reasons. However, as you can probably imagine, the U.S. adoption community is outraged and demanding action and accountability and reassurance that their children were not kidnapped from their birth parents. But there is a big difference between children being kidnapped and money changing hands for abandoned children.

My agency director said months ago that the reality is some babies are paid for. Not kidnapped, but money is exchanged by orphanage personnel to transfer children from one orphanage to another. It is a way for them to get money needed to keep the orphanages running. And yes, women are paid for their children - they are given money for the child they otherwise would leave on a doorstep or in a field. In China, there are many social, political and economic issues we, living in a democratic society, can't even begin to understand. Therefore, as disturbing as this is, I cannot judge without knowing all of the details, not just some sordid ones printed in an article.

Yes, I'm sure there are some unscrupulous people in China taking advantage of the situation, just like there are here. And yes, we can and should question our agencies more. But the reality is we are dealing with a communist country - a country that by political system and culture works very differently than ours. What we "can demand" is very limited. And, I dare say for most of the people waiting for their children, turning around and saying "no, I don't want my referral until I can be assured everything is "kosher" is not a possibility.

Do I wish this issue was not at all part of the process? Absolutely. Do I wish I could be 100% assured my child was left under completely loving circumstances? Yes. The reality is, I will never know with certainty the exact circumstances of my child's history. Whether her mother left her mourning the loss, or dropped her in a field not interested in her because she wasn't a boy. Whether her husband's family took her away without her knowledge. I won't know. Whether she stood hidden in the market where she left her child in a basket of freshly picked vegetables and waited tearfully until she saw she was found, or handed her over to a "baby broker" in exchange for a little money. I won't know.

I guess my point is there is no certainty in Chinese adoption. It is probably a little worse than we think, and probably better than a lot of other places. Should we question things? Yes. Personally, will I refuse to deal with China until they prove to me they have every little kink in the system worked out and that it is 100% honest? No. I will work with them with the understanding the system is not, and will never be, perfect.

And my incredible joy at being able to parent this child will be forever be balanced with the thought that on the other side of the world, someone lost that opportunity because of a political and economic system in which they had no control.

Good News

I am happy to report the following:

"The CCAA has finished the review of the adoption application documents registered with our office before July 31, 2005." This means the China Center for Adoption Affairs has deemed us worthy of raising one of their own. Our paperwork will now move into the "matching" room. We are one step closer......

Arny asked Kelsey and Jed if they would be interested in coming to China with us. Kelsey was excited and Jed grunted, which in "16 year old boy speak" means he may actually be excited too.

All in all, not a bad day at all.

TeeBeeDee

That's our daughter's name. Cute, isn't it? I think it means "wait a long time" in Chinese....

Well, not really. But that is the name we put down on the day care application: Name: TBD
Date of Birth: TBD
Place of Birth: China - at least I could answer that one. We are not expecting to know anything about her until at least May and we won't meet her until sometime in July or August, but since this is New York City, we can't wait to apply because there won't be any room - we must apply now for the September 2006 school year. I'm just glad I am starting this whole process early because once she gets into this daycare, she can be there until she starts kindergarten, which happens to be in the public school that is literally in our apartment building.

New York is a very scary place to raise children. Not for the crime, but for the intense competition to get into the "right" nursery school. There are actually "Nursery School Consultants" that will assist you in the search for a place for your child. The most recent ad went like this:

"Thinking about kindergarten admissions testing? Get a leg up by attending the Smart City Kids Admissions Testing for Private and Public Schools workshop that covers:

• Understanding the Kindergarten Admissions Tests (Private, Public Gifted and Talented Schools)
• What to expect during your child's interview
• What IQ tests really measure
• Natural and playful ways to raise a smarter child
• A checklist for touring schools
• How your involvement positively affects IQ test scores and elementary school performance

Includes a free copy of "The Ten Best Ways to Nurture Your Child's Intelligence Before Kindergarten Admissions Testing."

We are not talking about 18 years olds getting ready for college, or even 13 year olds getting ready for high school - we are talking about 2,3 and 4 year olds!!!

Some parents hire people to help fill out the applications and write the essays. Yes, you read correctly. The parents have to write essays about why their 3 year old should be granted access to the hallowed halls of their nursery school and parents are actually paying them. And then there are the interviews for both parents and children. Kelsey just finished applying to colleges and that process wasn't as stressful as this can be, because here you are constantly being told it is so hard and so competitive and if you don't send your children to one of these schools, you will ruin their lives forever.

We wanted to avoid all of that. We picked this daycare because it is a wonderful, warm place and there are no "interviews" or "essays" required. Not like some others that we visited. And we plan on public school too. We happen to live in an area with really great public schools - concerned and active parents, lots of diversity in the classrooms, and enough resources to provide a great education. Plus, knowing Arny and me, she will be joining in on our nightly debates on everything from the current "totalitarian states" to "why John Stewart is brilliant" before we know it, so she will have an early start in thinking for herself.

I just wish all these parents paying $20 -25,000 a year for 4 and 5 year olds would take half that money and put it into the public schools. That way, every child in this city could get a decent education. Instead, a bunch of people with more money than sense feed into this "kid must have private school education" and if you don't feed into it, you really don't care that much about your child.

I care. I care that my child grows up with a wide range of friends from all walks of life - all economic classes - all races - all religions. I care that my child judge people by how compassionate and kind they are, not how much money they have. I care that my child not be so scheduled with activities up the wazoo that she needs her own appointment book.

I care that my child has the luxury of being a child.

"I'm So Calling 911"

Michelle said as we sat in our baby CPR class trying to breath life into the plastic babies on the desks in front of us. Is it one rescue breath and then five chest compressions or twenty chest compressions and then two rescue breaths? Should I adopt the 2000 standard procedure or the 2005, that our instruction admitted she herself had not been trained in, but was telling us anyway. Will I remember to:

1) tap baby to rouse, never shake!!
2) tilt head
3) listen for breathing
4) start rescue breath
5) look for signs of movement
6) repeat
7) Call 911
8) leave door open for EMS
9) Freak out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, I added the freak out, but seriously, how can you not? Is it really possible to stay calm and focused when your baby is bordering on dead? Am I really going to remember to do everything in order? Will my inner "ubermom" come out when faced with pending disaster?

And then, let's move to the "babyproofing". Do I really need to install a toilet seat latch? You know, those contraptions that lock the seat to the bowl that even rocket scientists can't open. The ones that fill you with fear when you see because you either have to figure it out before your bladder explodes or slink back to your host/hostess and say "Ummmm.....I need some help in the bathroom..." and then sheepishly follow them into the bathroom and watch the "I am superior" look on their face as they unlock in one easy press and turn to you and say "voila!!". The only way to avoid this humiliating experience is to "relieve" yourself somewhere other than the toilet - the bathtub perhaps??

Note to all of my friends and family: DO NOT DO THIS IN MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!

Seriously, I do not plan on purchasing the toilet seat lock. Socket protectors, yes. That, and I think I'll just wear the baby in my soon to be purchased hip carrier until she is 18.

Expecting

When you look at me, you do not think I am expecting. You don't see the bulge in my tummy, the cute t-shirt that says "baby on board", the expectant mother waddle in the later months of pregnancy. But I am expecting. Perhaps I am not nauseous from morning sickness, only from the expectation of hearing that my dossier made it to China safely. I may not be craving pickles or ice cream from the hormonal changes to my body, but I am craving wine and chocolate to take away some of the anxiety that comes from too many delays and revised "expected referral dates". You don't see the bags of baby clothes and boxes of supplies, but only because I don't know how old my child will be and what she will need.

But, make no mistake. I am expecting. You may not see the physical signs, I may act as if "all is well" and "when it happens, it happens", but - make no mistake, this child is on my mind every minute of every day. She is as much with me in spirit as if I was physically carrying her for these many months.

The question then is not "are you expecting" but "who are you expecting?". Who will this little person be? Will she be quiet and shy like I was when I was little? I know she won't have my curly hair or Arny's eyes. Will she have either of our sense of humor, or will she be a serious child? What has she experienced in her short life so far and what of that will she bring with her?

I wonder if all of the reading I've been doing, all the discussions and planning, all the decided "ways to do it" will make a bit of difference. It's all so unknown.

Will she turn my life upside down? I do know she has already turned my heart inside out.

Coupons of Love

Arny and I are having dinner.

Me: So, Evan was voted most evolved husband last night.

Arny: I'm not going to like this am I?

Me: I don't know.

Arny: Ok, so why was Evan voted most evolved husband?

Me: For Michelle's birthday, he gave her these coupons that entitle her to time off from the baby. He will stay with her while Michelle gets to go to yoga, or meet us for drinks, whatever.

Arny laughs hysterically for many minutes and then is silent for several more.

Arny: I don't want you hanging out with Michelle anymore.

I leer.

30 minutes later:

Arny: So how many coupons did Evan give Michelle?

I just love my husband......

To Ski or Not to Ski

Kelsey called the other night. She was somewhere where there is snow and is skiing for a brief pre-Christmas vacation. From the sound of it, she was liking the sitting around reading part more than the actual skiing part, kind of like what I would be doing if forced to go somewhere really cold where people strap skis on their feet and hurl themselves down mountains.

"Can I take our daughter skiing?" Arny asked after he got off the phone with Kelsey. "Awwwwww, that's so sweet" I said. "Of course you can take her skiing". Like he needs my permission, but that's what I love about him - he asks these things. "Will you come with us?" he said. "Oh No!!!!" I thought, picturing being carried off the kiddy slope being surrounded by 5 year olds asking "why was the old lady on our slope, anyway?". But, being the agreeable person I am said feebly "OK". I figure I have a couple of years to come up with a really good excuse....or, enough courage to actually do it.