The Crib

I did it. I went to the web, babycenter.com to be exact, and clicked and entered and clicked some more and found this:


My first major baby purchase. I held off on buying anything substantial until we got the referral, but we need to get all of the essentials and have them shipped to Tokyo at the end of June, when the rest of our stuff is going. We have to get it and put it together so that the movers can undo it and then pack it up again. Don't ask. Just pray the Japanese customs people don't read blogs or we will be paying oodles of dollars in added customs fees. Apparently shipping new things is a no no. Perhaps we will have our little neighbors, Jonathan and Jordan come over and jump on the mattress for awhile - Arny suggested this. He suggested they do this with their shoes on. Mmmmmm, kids jumping on the bed with their shoes on........is this wrong?

Ok, I'm Better Now

Ahhh, the frustration of an international adoption. The "not knowing" is just part of the whole process. In order to stay calm throughout this now ridiculously long journey, I organize and plan. It gives me something to do besides freak out. When those plans get changed, it breaks the whole facade of me having control over any aspect of this process and frankly, I don't like that facade broken. Intellectually, I know ever since I handed in my dossier with all of the documents required, I have no control over this process. But, it helps to delude myself into thinking I do.

But I don't. No one knows how many families will be matched each month. So each month, I troll the adoption boards to find any stitch of information that may comfort me. The rumors abound - from Australia to Spain - "they are matching only 4 days", "they are trying to match a whole month", "the CCAA is moving", "the CCAA is not moving", "the wait is going up to 14 months", "the wait is going down" etc., etc., etc. One waiting mom established an entire blog to compile all of the rumors and polls into one. So, instead of having to search the many different adoption boards, you only have to go to one - sort of like one stop obsessing.

But, it all means nothing until the actual referrals come out and the CCAA! posts the latest news on their website. Everyday I check to see if our date is on the lower right hand side completing the sentence "The CCAA has finished the placement of children for the families whose adoption application documents were registered with our office before....."

and each month I wait.........for my world to change in the most wonderful way....

Rant #1

We are treading the water of wait as the referrals slow to a trickle and we are still 6 weeks away based on our log in date of July 27. The China Center for Adoption Affairs just announced they matched families whose paperwork was logged in before June 16, 2005 - only 10 days worth of dossiers since last month. What was a six month wait when we started has turned into a year, or more. My carefully thought out plans in my last post are looking more and more unlikely and my patience is growing thin.

I WANT MY BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

As if Things Couldn't Get Any Crazier

It is official.

We are moving to Tokyo sometime towards the end of June or early July. Before we leave we have to find a shipper, get our visas and buy everything we need baby and teenager wise. Tess and I will travel to Florida to visit with my mother and set things up for her so my guilt at leaving a 94 year old woman to travel half way around the world is lessened as much as humanly possible. Tess must be brought to her "home-away-from-home" at Julie, Stuart and Jack's house. More guilt. Once we get to Japan, we have to find an apartment, find a social worker to do our homestudy update and wait for all of our worldly goods to arrive. Our referral should come sometime towards the end of July. Jed will be arriving to spend his junior year with us towards the end of August. We will travel to China towards the end of September, with a brief stop in Honolulu so TeeBeeDee will become a US citizen (and hopefully meet her big sister and her auntie "M") the beginning of October. TeeBeeDee and I will travel to New York to get Tess and then Florida to see grandma the end of November.

And then.............................I'll just pass out from all of the above excitement - properly insuring of course that I don't land on the baby.

Hugs

Hug #1

She folds into my body as if she belongs. Her warmth makes me smile as I hold her gently, allowing her scent to fill me. It feels so good. But then, when we are both so comfortable, she raises her head and reaches out for her mother.

Hug #2

He holds me gently, as I cry. He knows it's been difficult dealing with the upcoming changes, the fight for control over what is best for a young mind, the unpredictability of it all. He understands the need to let it go.....let it all go.....................

I Finally Broke Down

All the months of waiting, all of the uncertainty, all of the stress - it all finally got to me yesterday. I did something I swore I wouldn't do and up until now had no desire to. I've been oh so slighted tempted, but always had no problem "just saying no" and walking by. But, I just couldn't take it anymore. The frustration of this way too long wait, coupled with the uncertainty of moving to Tokyo reached the tipping point and I gave in to the temptation and...................WENT BABY CLOTHES SHOPPING!!!

There was a sample sale of darling tiny little clothes and Michelle, Lori and I met there. I immediately scarffed up a bunch of things, satisfying my craving. Michelle and Lori on the other hand were much more restrained, which I really don't understand since they actually have seen the pictures of the children they need to to buy things for. I, on the other hand, have not. Although, little TeeBeeDee has already been enrolled in school, so I suppose it isn't too outrageous to buy my "not quite here" daughter some clothes to wear.

Bundle of Joy #2

The phone rang at work today and when I picked it up, the calmest voice said "Jennifer, can you conference in Lori?". It was Michelle - this was it. She might have been calm, but I started hyperventilating and immediately disconnected her as I simultaneously kicked my office door closed and tried the conference call.

Today was the day - Lian Kai Xin, 9 months old, is currently residing in the Jiangsu Province and apparently "stubbornly" waiting for Michelle and Evan to come and get her. According to the agency director, she is beautiful, a good sleeper and yes, very stubborn. "Just like me" said Michelle.

They will get the pictures and more details tomorrow.......I (I mean they) can't wait!!

TeeBeeDee's going to school!!

"We are happy to announce there is a place in our school for your child in our 2006-2007 Academic year program"

"Baby DiLaura is enrolled in the Red Room".

Yes, our "not yet our" daughter was accepted at the Battery Park City Day Nursery. Now, the fact that we may very well be in Tokyo and she won't be attending makes absolutely no difference. It is nice to know she got in!!

It Hit Me

There was the sense of excitement in the air yesterday as it was the first really nice spring day in New York. The sky was blue, the air not yet humid and everyone was out to experience the warmth of the sun. I thought I would take Tess for a walk down to the dogrun by the marina. We started out and all around us were families out enjoying the glorious day. With all of the shiny new Bugaboo and Mcclaren strollers in view, it was clear that many families were with children that last year were just dreams in their parent's hearts.

I was dreaming too last May - about finishing up the paperwork so I could send it off to China. I was dreaming about taking my child out, in her stroller, to the playground - to laugh with her as she reveled in the swing going higher and higher, to cheer her on as she navigated the sandbox or tried to climb the big jungle gym, watchful but not hovering - or at least trying really hard not to.

Had things gone according to plan, I too would be pushing my baby in the stroller yesterday. I would be watching her play and explore. I would be remembering the long wait and thinking "I can't believe the time went so fast. Just last year...."

But I wasn't.

And it hurt.

Dreaming

Last night I had my first baby dream in a long time. She was small, with a cap of short but thick black hair and I held her the entire dream. I had her, but nothing else - no bottle, no food, etc. We went into a store, but I don't remember buying anything. Then, we had a stroller, which I promptly left on the bus. Luckily, she wasn't in it.