All the months of waiting, all of the uncertainty, all of the stress - it all finally got to me yesterday. I did something I swore I wouldn't do and up until now had no desire to. I've been oh so slighted tempted, but always had no problem "just saying no" and walking by. But, I just couldn't take it anymore. The frustration of this way too long wait, coupled with the uncertainty of moving to Tokyo reached the tipping point and I gave in to the temptation and...................WENT BABY CLOTHES SHOPPING!!!
There was a sample sale of darling tiny little clothes and Michelle, Lori and I met there. I immediately scarffed up a bunch of things, satisfying my craving. Michelle and Lori on the other hand were much more restrained, which I really don't understand since they actually have seen the pictures of the children they need to to buy things for. I, on the other hand, have not. Although, little TeeBeeDee has already been enrolled in school, so I suppose it isn't too outrageous to buy my "not quite here" daughter some clothes to wear.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Friday, April 28, 2006
Bundle of Joy #2
The phone rang at work today and when I picked it up, the calmest voice said "Jennifer, can you conference in Lori?". It was Michelle - this was it. She might have been calm, but I started hyperventilating and immediately disconnected her as I simultaneously kicked my office door closed and tried the conference call.
Today was the day - Lian Kai Xin, 9 months old, is currently residing in the Jiangsu Province and apparently "stubbornly" waiting for Michelle and Evan to come and get her. According to the agency director, she is beautiful, a good sleeper and yes, very stubborn. "Just like me" said Michelle.
They will get the pictures and more details tomorrow.......I (I mean they) can't wait!!
Today was the day - Lian Kai Xin, 9 months old, is currently residing in the Jiangsu Province and apparently "stubbornly" waiting for Michelle and Evan to come and get her. According to the agency director, she is beautiful, a good sleeper and yes, very stubborn. "Just like me" said Michelle.
They will get the pictures and more details tomorrow.......I (I mean they) can't wait!!
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
TeeBeeDee's going to school!!
"We are happy to announce there is a place in our school for your child in our 2006-2007 Academic year program"
"Baby DiLaura is enrolled in the Red Room".
Yes, our "not yet our" daughter was accepted at the Battery Park City Day Nursery. Now, the fact that we may very well be in Tokyo and she won't be attending makes absolutely no difference. It is nice to know she got in!!
"Baby DiLaura is enrolled in the Red Room".
Yes, our "not yet our" daughter was accepted at the Battery Park City Day Nursery. Now, the fact that we may very well be in Tokyo and she won't be attending makes absolutely no difference. It is nice to know she got in!!
Monday, April 17, 2006
It Hit Me
There was the sense of excitement in the air yesterday as it was the first really nice spring day in New York. The sky was blue, the air not yet humid and everyone was out to experience the warmth of the sun. I thought I would take Tess for a walk down to the dogrun by the marina. We started out and all around us were families out enjoying the glorious day. With all of the shiny new Bugaboo and Mcclaren strollers in view, it was clear that many families were with children that last year were just dreams in their parent's hearts.
I was dreaming too last May - about finishing up the paperwork so I could send it off to China. I was dreaming about taking my child out, in her stroller, to the playground - to laugh with her as she reveled in the swing going higher and higher, to cheer her on as she navigated the sandbox or tried to climb the big jungle gym, watchful but not hovering - or at least trying really hard not to.
Had things gone according to plan, I too would be pushing my baby in the stroller yesterday. I would be watching her play and explore. I would be remembering the long wait and thinking "I can't believe the time went so fast. Just last year...."
But I wasn't.
And it hurt.
I was dreaming too last May - about finishing up the paperwork so I could send it off to China. I was dreaming about taking my child out, in her stroller, to the playground - to laugh with her as she reveled in the swing going higher and higher, to cheer her on as she navigated the sandbox or tried to climb the big jungle gym, watchful but not hovering - or at least trying really hard not to.
Had things gone according to plan, I too would be pushing my baby in the stroller yesterday. I would be watching her play and explore. I would be remembering the long wait and thinking "I can't believe the time went so fast. Just last year...."
But I wasn't.
And it hurt.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Dreaming
Last night I had my first baby dream in a long time. She was small, with a cap of short but thick black hair and I held her the entire dream. I had her, but nothing else - no bottle, no food, etc. We went into a store, but I don't remember buying anything. Then, we had a stroller, which I promptly left on the bus. Luckily, she wasn't in it.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Bundle of Joy #1
I am pleased to announce the first of the "martini girls" just got her referral and is a proud mom to Juliana, a 7 month old gorgeous and happy little girl currently residing in an orphanage in China!!!
The "Martini Girls" are actually three of us who met on-line (this seems to be a habit with me, meeting the important people in my life on-line). We are all adopting from China and have log-in-dates (the very important date your paperwork gets logged into the China Center for Adoption Affairs, the Chinese agency that facilitates the adoption process) close to each other. What this means is that we will all be getting our referrals, the documentation that tells us we are now parents and exactly who we are parents of, within months of each other.
We get together occasionally (lately, every chance we can) to commiserate over the wait, discuss daycare VS nanny, what stroller to buy, bitch about the wait, how to fit everything we need into our NYC apartments and most importantly, have a cocktail (or four) and BITCH about the wait. I'm sorry, did I mention that we BITCH ABOUT THE WAIT!!!!!!. We occasionally include our husbands in the festivities and have even sent them out for the manly steak and "bitch about the wives BITCHING ABOUT THE WAIT" dinner.
We were lucky enough to have scheduled a dinner for all six of us last night, the same day Lori and Marc got to see a picture of their daughter for the first time. I made them come over to our house, because I didn't want to embarrass anyone (me) by starting to cry in the restaurant and am I glad I did, because as soon as I saw her picture, I started to cry because at that moment, this whole thing became real. There is an actual baby at the end of this very long journey. And she was right there, in the picture. Ok, so it wasn't my baby, but a baby none the less. But she looked happy and healthy and just like Marc - I'm not kidding. I looked at the picture and then at Italian, medium dark haired and bearded Marc and there was a distint resemblance (minus the beard). And I knew that I get to share in their joy. And be part of their amazing journey. And then be part of Michelle and Evan's. And then, it will be our turn. And we will have our daughter. And I smiled. A really big, happy peaceful smile................And then Arny said he hopes she looks like me....
The "Martini Girls" are actually three of us who met on-line (this seems to be a habit with me, meeting the important people in my life on-line). We are all adopting from China and have log-in-dates (the very important date your paperwork gets logged into the China Center for Adoption Affairs, the Chinese agency that facilitates the adoption process) close to each other. What this means is that we will all be getting our referrals, the documentation that tells us we are now parents and exactly who we are parents of, within months of each other.
We get together occasionally (lately, every chance we can) to commiserate over the wait, discuss daycare VS nanny, what stroller to buy, bitch about the wait, how to fit everything we need into our NYC apartments and most importantly, have a cocktail (or four) and BITCH about the wait. I'm sorry, did I mention that we BITCH ABOUT THE WAIT!!!!!!. We occasionally include our husbands in the festivities and have even sent them out for the manly steak and "bitch about the wives BITCHING ABOUT THE WAIT" dinner.
We were lucky enough to have scheduled a dinner for all six of us last night, the same day Lori and Marc got to see a picture of their daughter for the first time. I made them come over to our house, because I didn't want to embarrass anyone (me) by starting to cry in the restaurant and am I glad I did, because as soon as I saw her picture, I started to cry because at that moment, this whole thing became real. There is an actual baby at the end of this very long journey. And she was right there, in the picture. Ok, so it wasn't my baby, but a baby none the less. But she looked happy and healthy and just like Marc - I'm not kidding. I looked at the picture and then at Italian, medium dark haired and bearded Marc and there was a distint resemblance (minus the beard). And I knew that I get to share in their joy. And be part of their amazing journey. And then be part of Michelle and Evan's. And then, it will be our turn. And we will have our daughter. And I smiled. A really big, happy peaceful smile................And then Arny said he hopes she looks like me....
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Just Another useless item OR a life saver for people like me..
..who feel sure they will leave their baby on the bus, on the subway, in a store - anywhere where they are not supposed to be left.
While browsing on the Target website and updating my registry, I saw this. I can't decide if I think it is absolutely ridiculous and yet another item marketed to the most paranoid fears of us soon-to-be moms, or a useful tool for the safety of my baby.
You see, ever since I started the adoption journey, I have been joking around with my friends that I will "leave the baby on the bus". Back in the 80's when I was a very independent "never getting married, never having children" woman, I got a tee-shirt that was a take off on a Roy Liechtenstein print that said "Oh my God, I left the baby on the bus!!!"
Now, at 49 and about to be a mother for the first time, that is a distinct possibility. You know how when you get older, you tend to misplace where you put things; your keys. glasses, whatever. Last week I left my handbag at work, got on the subway and all the way down to my stop before realizing it. Yes, it was a Friday and I couldn't go an entire weekend without my wallet and more importantly, my make up. Luckily when I rushed back, the office was still open and I could get it. Yes, a baby isn't an object and being the concerned, loving mother I am (or will be) I would never do something so neglectful. I am just not so sure.
My friend Michelle suggested getting one of those glove holder things; you know the string with the clip that goes on one glove and then through the arms of the coat to the other glove, so they don't get lost. I actually saw someone on the street with a variation of this and it didn't look so bad. The children's leash thing really bugs me, but this was subtle. However, the electronic thing is invisable, and only if I push the little "oh my God, I lost my baby!!!" button will anyone know it's there. But the bad thing about this is the apparently skreeching sounds that eminates from my child, immediately rendering her scarred for life.
While browsing on the Target website and updating my registry, I saw this. I can't decide if I think it is absolutely ridiculous and yet another item marketed to the most paranoid fears of us soon-to-be moms, or a useful tool for the safety of my baby.
You see, ever since I started the adoption journey, I have been joking around with my friends that I will "leave the baby on the bus". Back in the 80's when I was a very independent "never getting married, never having children" woman, I got a tee-shirt that was a take off on a Roy Liechtenstein print that said "Oh my God, I left the baby on the bus!!!"
Now, at 49 and about to be a mother for the first time, that is a distinct possibility. You know how when you get older, you tend to misplace where you put things; your keys. glasses, whatever. Last week I left my handbag at work, got on the subway and all the way down to my stop before realizing it. Yes, it was a Friday and I couldn't go an entire weekend without my wallet and more importantly, my make up. Luckily when I rushed back, the office was still open and I could get it. Yes, a baby isn't an object and being the concerned, loving mother I am (or will be) I would never do something so neglectful. I am just not so sure.
My friend Michelle suggested getting one of those glove holder things; you know the string with the clip that goes on one glove and then through the arms of the coat to the other glove, so they don't get lost. I actually saw someone on the street with a variation of this and it didn't look so bad. The children's leash thing really bugs me, but this was subtle. However, the electronic thing is invisable, and only if I push the little "oh my God, I lost my baby!!!" button will anyone know it's there. But the bad thing about this is the apparently skreeching sounds that eminates from my child, immediately rendering her scarred for life.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
I Will Always Wonder
Last November, 27 people were arrested for child-trafficking in the Hunan province of China. They were accused of selling the babies to orphanages who then adopted them out to waiting families worldwide, including the United States. They were recently convicted and sentenced to between 3 and 15 years.
The Washington Post published a rather sensational version of the events of the trial, making the speculative leap that the children who were trafficked were "stolen" from their parents and then "sold" to eager U.S. families. The article insinuated that the child who belonged to the parents who were interviewed was kidnapped specifically for U.S. adoption. Given she was 16 months old at the time of the kidnapping, it is more likely she was kidnapped as a future wife for someone in China or for other unsavory reasons. However, as you can probably imagine, the U.S. adoption community is outraged and demanding action and accountability and reassurance that their children were not kidnapped from their birth parents. But there is a big difference between children being kidnapped and money changing hands for abandoned children.
My agency director said months ago that the reality is some babies are paid for. Not kidnapped, but money is exchanged by orphanage personnel to transfer children from one orphanage to another. It is a way for them to get money needed to keep the orphanages running. And yes, women are paid for their children - they are given money for the child they otherwise would leave on a doorstep or in a field. In China, there are many social, political and economic issues we, living in a democratic society, can't even begin to understand. Therefore, as disturbing as this is, I cannot judge without knowing all of the details, not just some sordid ones printed in an article.
Yes, I'm sure there are some unscrupulous people in China taking advantage of the situation, just like there are here. And yes, we can and should question our agencies more. But the reality is we are dealing with a communist country - a country that by political system and culture works very differently than ours. What we "can demand" is very limited. And, I dare say for most of the people waiting for their children, turning around and saying "no, I don't want my referral until I can be assured everything is "kosher" is not a possibility.
Do I wish this issue was not at all part of the process? Absolutely. Do I wish I could be 100% assured my child was left under completely loving circumstances? Yes. The reality is, I will never know with certainty the exact circumstances of my child's history. Whether her mother left her mourning the loss, or dropped her in a field not interested in her because she wasn't a boy. Whether her husband's family took her away without her knowledge. I won't know. Whether she stood hidden in the market where she left her child in a basket of freshly picked vegetables and waited tearfully until she saw she was found, or handed her over to a "baby broker" in exchange for a little money. I won't know.
I guess my point is there is no certainty in Chinese adoption. It is probably a little worse than we think, and probably better than a lot of other places. Should we question things? Yes. Personally, will I refuse to deal with China until they prove to me they have every little kink in the system worked out and that it is 100% honest? No. I will work with them with the understanding the system is not, and will never be, perfect.
And my incredible joy at being able to parent this child will be forever be balanced with the thought that on the other side of the world, someone lost that opportunity because of a political and economic system in which they had no control.
The Washington Post published a rather sensational version of the events of the trial, making the speculative leap that the children who were trafficked were "stolen" from their parents and then "sold" to eager U.S. families. The article insinuated that the child who belonged to the parents who were interviewed was kidnapped specifically for U.S. adoption. Given she was 16 months old at the time of the kidnapping, it is more likely she was kidnapped as a future wife for someone in China or for other unsavory reasons. However, as you can probably imagine, the U.S. adoption community is outraged and demanding action and accountability and reassurance that their children were not kidnapped from their birth parents. But there is a big difference between children being kidnapped and money changing hands for abandoned children.
My agency director said months ago that the reality is some babies are paid for. Not kidnapped, but money is exchanged by orphanage personnel to transfer children from one orphanage to another. It is a way for them to get money needed to keep the orphanages running. And yes, women are paid for their children - they are given money for the child they otherwise would leave on a doorstep or in a field. In China, there are many social, political and economic issues we, living in a democratic society, can't even begin to understand. Therefore, as disturbing as this is, I cannot judge without knowing all of the details, not just some sordid ones printed in an article.
Yes, I'm sure there are some unscrupulous people in China taking advantage of the situation, just like there are here. And yes, we can and should question our agencies more. But the reality is we are dealing with a communist country - a country that by political system and culture works very differently than ours. What we "can demand" is very limited. And, I dare say for most of the people waiting for their children, turning around and saying "no, I don't want my referral until I can be assured everything is "kosher" is not a possibility.
Do I wish this issue was not at all part of the process? Absolutely. Do I wish I could be 100% assured my child was left under completely loving circumstances? Yes. The reality is, I will never know with certainty the exact circumstances of my child's history. Whether her mother left her mourning the loss, or dropped her in a field not interested in her because she wasn't a boy. Whether her husband's family took her away without her knowledge. I won't know. Whether she stood hidden in the market where she left her child in a basket of freshly picked vegetables and waited tearfully until she saw she was found, or handed her over to a "baby broker" in exchange for a little money. I won't know.
I guess my point is there is no certainty in Chinese adoption. It is probably a little worse than we think, and probably better than a lot of other places. Should we question things? Yes. Personally, will I refuse to deal with China until they prove to me they have every little kink in the system worked out and that it is 100% honest? No. I will work with them with the understanding the system is not, and will never be, perfect.
And my incredible joy at being able to parent this child will be forever be balanced with the thought that on the other side of the world, someone lost that opportunity because of a political and economic system in which they had no control.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Good News
I am happy to report the following:
"The CCAA has finished the review of the adoption application documents registered with our office before July 31, 2005." This means the China Center for Adoption Affairs has deemed us worthy of raising one of their own. Our paperwork will now move into the "matching" room. We are one step closer......
Arny asked Kelsey and Jed if they would be interested in coming to China with us. Kelsey was excited and Jed grunted, which in "16 year old boy speak" means he may actually be excited too.
All in all, not a bad day at all.
"The CCAA has finished the review of the adoption application documents registered with our office before July 31, 2005." This means the China Center for Adoption Affairs has deemed us worthy of raising one of their own. Our paperwork will now move into the "matching" room. We are one step closer......
Arny asked Kelsey and Jed if they would be interested in coming to China with us. Kelsey was excited and Jed grunted, which in "16 year old boy speak" means he may actually be excited too.
All in all, not a bad day at all.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
TeeBeeDee
That's our daughter's name. Cute, isn't it? I think it means "wait a long time" in Chinese....
Well, not really. But that is the name we put down on the day care application: Name: TBD
Date of Birth: TBD
Place of Birth: China - at least I could answer that one. We are not expecting to know anything about her until at least May and we won't meet her until sometime in July or August, but since this is New York City, we can't wait to apply because there won't be any room - we must apply now for the September 2006 school year. I'm just glad I am starting this whole process early because once she gets into this daycare, she can be there until she starts kindergarten, which happens to be in the public school that is literally in our apartment building.
New York is a very scary place to raise children. Not for the crime, but for the intense competition to get into the "right" nursery school. There are actually "Nursery School Consultants" that will assist you in the search for a place for your child. The most recent ad went like this:
"Thinking about kindergarten admissions testing? Get a leg up by attending the Smart City Kids Admissions Testing for Private and Public Schools workshop that covers:
• Understanding the Kindergarten Admissions Tests (Private, Public Gifted and Talented Schools)
• What to expect during your child's interview
• What IQ tests really measure
• Natural and playful ways to raise a smarter child
• A checklist for touring schools
• How your involvement positively affects IQ test scores and elementary school performance
Includes a free copy of "The Ten Best Ways to Nurture Your Child's Intelligence Before Kindergarten Admissions Testing."
We are not talking about 18 years olds getting ready for college, or even 13 year olds getting ready for high school - we are talking about 2,3 and 4 year olds!!!
Some parents hire people to help fill out the applications and write the essays. Yes, you read correctly. The parents have to write essays about why their 3 year old should be granted access to the hallowed halls of their nursery school and parents are actually paying them. And then there are the interviews for both parents and children. Kelsey just finished applying to colleges and that process wasn't as stressful as this can be, because here you are constantly being told it is so hard and so competitive and if you don't send your children to one of these schools, you will ruin their lives forever.
We wanted to avoid all of that. We picked this daycare because it is a wonderful, warm place and there are no "interviews" or "essays" required. Not like some others that we visited. And we plan on public school too. We happen to live in an area with really great public schools - concerned and active parents, lots of diversity in the classrooms, and enough resources to provide a great education. Plus, knowing Arny and me, she will be joining in on our nightly debates on everything from the current "totalitarian states" to "why John Stewart is brilliant" before we know it, so she will have an early start in thinking for herself.
I just wish all these parents paying $20 -25,000 a year for 4 and 5 year olds would take half that money and put it into the public schools. That way, every child in this city could get a decent education. Instead, a bunch of people with more money than sense feed into this "kid must have private school education" and if you don't feed into it, you really don't care that much about your child.
I care. I care that my child grows up with a wide range of friends from all walks of life - all economic classes - all races - all religions. I care that my child judge people by how compassionate and kind they are, not how much money they have. I care that my child not be so scheduled with activities up the wazoo that she needs her own appointment book.
I care that my child has the luxury of being a child.
Well, not really. But that is the name we put down on the day care application: Name: TBD
Date of Birth: TBD
Place of Birth: China - at least I could answer that one. We are not expecting to know anything about her until at least May and we won't meet her until sometime in July or August, but since this is New York City, we can't wait to apply because there won't be any room - we must apply now for the September 2006 school year. I'm just glad I am starting this whole process early because once she gets into this daycare, she can be there until she starts kindergarten, which happens to be in the public school that is literally in our apartment building.
New York is a very scary place to raise children. Not for the crime, but for the intense competition to get into the "right" nursery school. There are actually "Nursery School Consultants" that will assist you in the search for a place for your child. The most recent ad went like this:
"Thinking about kindergarten admissions testing? Get a leg up by attending the Smart City Kids Admissions Testing for Private and Public Schools workshop that covers:
• Understanding the Kindergarten Admissions Tests (Private, Public Gifted and Talented Schools)
• What to expect during your child's interview
• What IQ tests really measure
• Natural and playful ways to raise a smarter child
• A checklist for touring schools
• How your involvement positively affects IQ test scores and elementary school performance
Includes a free copy of "The Ten Best Ways to Nurture Your Child's Intelligence Before Kindergarten Admissions Testing."
We are not talking about 18 years olds getting ready for college, or even 13 year olds getting ready for high school - we are talking about 2,3 and 4 year olds!!!
Some parents hire people to help fill out the applications and write the essays. Yes, you read correctly. The parents have to write essays about why their 3 year old should be granted access to the hallowed halls of their nursery school and parents are actually paying them. And then there are the interviews for both parents and children. Kelsey just finished applying to colleges and that process wasn't as stressful as this can be, because here you are constantly being told it is so hard and so competitive and if you don't send your children to one of these schools, you will ruin their lives forever.
We wanted to avoid all of that. We picked this daycare because it is a wonderful, warm place and there are no "interviews" or "essays" required. Not like some others that we visited. And we plan on public school too. We happen to live in an area with really great public schools - concerned and active parents, lots of diversity in the classrooms, and enough resources to provide a great education. Plus, knowing Arny and me, she will be joining in on our nightly debates on everything from the current "totalitarian states" to "why John Stewart is brilliant" before we know it, so she will have an early start in thinking for herself.
I just wish all these parents paying $20 -25,000 a year for 4 and 5 year olds would take half that money and put it into the public schools. That way, every child in this city could get a decent education. Instead, a bunch of people with more money than sense feed into this "kid must have private school education" and if you don't feed into it, you really don't care that much about your child.
I care. I care that my child grows up with a wide range of friends from all walks of life - all economic classes - all races - all religions. I care that my child judge people by how compassionate and kind they are, not how much money they have. I care that my child not be so scheduled with activities up the wazoo that she needs her own appointment book.
I care that my child has the luxury of being a child.
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