Out of Control

I am. Not. In. Control.

Yesterday we received a letter from our agency stating that our log in date (date our translated dossier is logged in at the Chinese Center for Adoption Affairs) is July 27, 2005. To say I am disappointed is an understatement. Our Dossier to China date was June 24 and it seems that the time frame FOR ALMOST EVERYONE ELSE is about 3 weeks from that date to the LID. Ours is about 5 weeks from DTC and I spent a portion of last night trying to figure out why. There is no answer.
I am.
Not.
In.
Control.

2 weeks may not be a big deal. Or it could be. Referrals are running about 7 months from LID. This puts us at end of February for one. I thought we would get one the end of January. We still could. But it's hard. Waiting to find out. Because.
I am.
Not.
In.
Control.

The whole process of adoption is made up of waiting. Waiting for paperwork, waiting for approvals, waiting for appointments. Waiting for dates. I fill out the forms, send the forms.
And wait.
And wait. And wait. And while I am waiting,
I am.
Not.
In.
Control.

I know this and devised a little game to gain some control (in my mind only). I estimate when things will happen and somehow the estimation becomes, in my mind, fact.
I know this is wrong.
I can't help it.
When someone is pregnant, they wait 9 months too. But their baby is right there inside them. They can talk to them, they can sense when something may not be right. My child is out there somewhere and I can't stand it that I will be kept from her any longer than necessary - even if it is only 2 weeks or a month. Who is taking care of her? Are they doing a good job? Is she cold? Is she hungry? Is she happy? Will she know that
I am.
Not.
In.
Control.