I am pleased to announce the first of the "martini girls" just got her referral and is a proud mom to Juliana, a 7 month old gorgeous and happy little girl currently residing in an orphanage in China!!!
The "Martini Girls" are actually three of us who met on-line (this seems to be a habit with me, meeting the important people in my life on-line). We are all adopting from China and have log-in-dates (the very important date your paperwork gets logged into the China Center for Adoption Affairs, the Chinese agency that facilitates the adoption process) close to each other. What this means is that we will all be getting our referrals, the documentation that tells us we are now parents and exactly who we are parents of, within months of each other.
We get together occasionally (lately, every chance we can) to commiserate over the wait, discuss daycare VS nanny, what stroller to buy, bitch about the wait, how to fit everything we need into our NYC apartments and most importantly, have a cocktail (or four) and BITCH about the wait. I'm sorry, did I mention that we BITCH ABOUT THE WAIT!!!!!!. We occasionally include our husbands in the festivities and have even sent them out for the manly steak and "bitch about the wives BITCHING ABOUT THE WAIT" dinner.
We were lucky enough to have scheduled a dinner for all six of us last night, the same day Lori and Marc got to see a picture of their daughter for the first time. I made them come over to our house, because I didn't want to embarrass anyone (me) by starting to cry in the restaurant and am I glad I did, because as soon as I saw her picture, I started to cry because at that moment, this whole thing became real. There is an actual baby at the end of this very long journey. And she was right there, in the picture. Ok, so it wasn't my baby, but a baby none the less. But she looked happy and healthy and just like Marc - I'm not kidding. I looked at the picture and then at Italian, medium dark haired and bearded Marc and there was a distint resemblance (minus the beard). And I knew that I get to share in their joy. And be part of their amazing journey. And then be part of Michelle and Evan's. And then, it will be our turn. And we will have our daughter. And I smiled. A really big, happy peaceful smile................And then Arny said he hopes she looks like me....
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Just Another useless item OR a life saver for people like me..
..who feel sure they will leave their baby on the bus, on the subway, in a store - anywhere where they are not supposed to be left.
While browsing on the Target website and updating my registry, I saw this. I can't decide if I think it is absolutely ridiculous and yet another item marketed to the most paranoid fears of us soon-to-be moms, or a useful tool for the safety of my baby.
You see, ever since I started the adoption journey, I have been joking around with my friends that I will "leave the baby on the bus". Back in the 80's when I was a very independent "never getting married, never having children" woman, I got a tee-shirt that was a take off on a Roy Liechtenstein print that said "Oh my God, I left the baby on the bus!!!"
Now, at 49 and about to be a mother for the first time, that is a distinct possibility. You know how when you get older, you tend to misplace where you put things; your keys. glasses, whatever. Last week I left my handbag at work, got on the subway and all the way down to my stop before realizing it. Yes, it was a Friday and I couldn't go an entire weekend without my wallet and more importantly, my make up. Luckily when I rushed back, the office was still open and I could get it. Yes, a baby isn't an object and being the concerned, loving mother I am (or will be) I would never do something so neglectful. I am just not so sure.
My friend Michelle suggested getting one of those glove holder things; you know the string with the clip that goes on one glove and then through the arms of the coat to the other glove, so they don't get lost. I actually saw someone on the street with a variation of this and it didn't look so bad. The children's leash thing really bugs me, but this was subtle. However, the electronic thing is invisable, and only if I push the little "oh my God, I lost my baby!!!" button will anyone know it's there. But the bad thing about this is the apparently skreeching sounds that eminates from my child, immediately rendering her scarred for life.
While browsing on the Target website and updating my registry, I saw this. I can't decide if I think it is absolutely ridiculous and yet another item marketed to the most paranoid fears of us soon-to-be moms, or a useful tool for the safety of my baby.
You see, ever since I started the adoption journey, I have been joking around with my friends that I will "leave the baby on the bus". Back in the 80's when I was a very independent "never getting married, never having children" woman, I got a tee-shirt that was a take off on a Roy Liechtenstein print that said "Oh my God, I left the baby on the bus!!!"
Now, at 49 and about to be a mother for the first time, that is a distinct possibility. You know how when you get older, you tend to misplace where you put things; your keys. glasses, whatever. Last week I left my handbag at work, got on the subway and all the way down to my stop before realizing it. Yes, it was a Friday and I couldn't go an entire weekend without my wallet and more importantly, my make up. Luckily when I rushed back, the office was still open and I could get it. Yes, a baby isn't an object and being the concerned, loving mother I am (or will be) I would never do something so neglectful. I am just not so sure.
My friend Michelle suggested getting one of those glove holder things; you know the string with the clip that goes on one glove and then through the arms of the coat to the other glove, so they don't get lost. I actually saw someone on the street with a variation of this and it didn't look so bad. The children's leash thing really bugs me, but this was subtle. However, the electronic thing is invisable, and only if I push the little "oh my God, I lost my baby!!!" button will anyone know it's there. But the bad thing about this is the apparently skreeching sounds that eminates from my child, immediately rendering her scarred for life.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
I Will Always Wonder
Last November, 27 people were arrested for child-trafficking in the Hunan province of China. They were accused of selling the babies to orphanages who then adopted them out to waiting families worldwide, including the United States. They were recently convicted and sentenced to between 3 and 15 years.
The Washington Post published a rather sensational version of the events of the trial, making the speculative leap that the children who were trafficked were "stolen" from their parents and then "sold" to eager U.S. families. The article insinuated that the child who belonged to the parents who were interviewed was kidnapped specifically for U.S. adoption. Given she was 16 months old at the time of the kidnapping, it is more likely she was kidnapped as a future wife for someone in China or for other unsavory reasons. However, as you can probably imagine, the U.S. adoption community is outraged and demanding action and accountability and reassurance that their children were not kidnapped from their birth parents. But there is a big difference between children being kidnapped and money changing hands for abandoned children.
My agency director said months ago that the reality is some babies are paid for. Not kidnapped, but money is exchanged by orphanage personnel to transfer children from one orphanage to another. It is a way for them to get money needed to keep the orphanages running. And yes, women are paid for their children - they are given money for the child they otherwise would leave on a doorstep or in a field. In China, there are many social, political and economic issues we, living in a democratic society, can't even begin to understand. Therefore, as disturbing as this is, I cannot judge without knowing all of the details, not just some sordid ones printed in an article.
Yes, I'm sure there are some unscrupulous people in China taking advantage of the situation, just like there are here. And yes, we can and should question our agencies more. But the reality is we are dealing with a communist country - a country that by political system and culture works very differently than ours. What we "can demand" is very limited. And, I dare say for most of the people waiting for their children, turning around and saying "no, I don't want my referral until I can be assured everything is "kosher" is not a possibility.
Do I wish this issue was not at all part of the process? Absolutely. Do I wish I could be 100% assured my child was left under completely loving circumstances? Yes. The reality is, I will never know with certainty the exact circumstances of my child's history. Whether her mother left her mourning the loss, or dropped her in a field not interested in her because she wasn't a boy. Whether her husband's family took her away without her knowledge. I won't know. Whether she stood hidden in the market where she left her child in a basket of freshly picked vegetables and waited tearfully until she saw she was found, or handed her over to a "baby broker" in exchange for a little money. I won't know.
I guess my point is there is no certainty in Chinese adoption. It is probably a little worse than we think, and probably better than a lot of other places. Should we question things? Yes. Personally, will I refuse to deal with China until they prove to me they have every little kink in the system worked out and that it is 100% honest? No. I will work with them with the understanding the system is not, and will never be, perfect.
And my incredible joy at being able to parent this child will be forever be balanced with the thought that on the other side of the world, someone lost that opportunity because of a political and economic system in which they had no control.
The Washington Post published a rather sensational version of the events of the trial, making the speculative leap that the children who were trafficked were "stolen" from their parents and then "sold" to eager U.S. families. The article insinuated that the child who belonged to the parents who were interviewed was kidnapped specifically for U.S. adoption. Given she was 16 months old at the time of the kidnapping, it is more likely she was kidnapped as a future wife for someone in China or for other unsavory reasons. However, as you can probably imagine, the U.S. adoption community is outraged and demanding action and accountability and reassurance that their children were not kidnapped from their birth parents. But there is a big difference between children being kidnapped and money changing hands for abandoned children.
My agency director said months ago that the reality is some babies are paid for. Not kidnapped, but money is exchanged by orphanage personnel to transfer children from one orphanage to another. It is a way for them to get money needed to keep the orphanages running. And yes, women are paid for their children - they are given money for the child they otherwise would leave on a doorstep or in a field. In China, there are many social, political and economic issues we, living in a democratic society, can't even begin to understand. Therefore, as disturbing as this is, I cannot judge without knowing all of the details, not just some sordid ones printed in an article.
Yes, I'm sure there are some unscrupulous people in China taking advantage of the situation, just like there are here. And yes, we can and should question our agencies more. But the reality is we are dealing with a communist country - a country that by political system and culture works very differently than ours. What we "can demand" is very limited. And, I dare say for most of the people waiting for their children, turning around and saying "no, I don't want my referral until I can be assured everything is "kosher" is not a possibility.
Do I wish this issue was not at all part of the process? Absolutely. Do I wish I could be 100% assured my child was left under completely loving circumstances? Yes. The reality is, I will never know with certainty the exact circumstances of my child's history. Whether her mother left her mourning the loss, or dropped her in a field not interested in her because she wasn't a boy. Whether her husband's family took her away without her knowledge. I won't know. Whether she stood hidden in the market where she left her child in a basket of freshly picked vegetables and waited tearfully until she saw she was found, or handed her over to a "baby broker" in exchange for a little money. I won't know.
I guess my point is there is no certainty in Chinese adoption. It is probably a little worse than we think, and probably better than a lot of other places. Should we question things? Yes. Personally, will I refuse to deal with China until they prove to me they have every little kink in the system worked out and that it is 100% honest? No. I will work with them with the understanding the system is not, and will never be, perfect.
And my incredible joy at being able to parent this child will be forever be balanced with the thought that on the other side of the world, someone lost that opportunity because of a political and economic system in which they had no control.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Good News
I am happy to report the following:
"The CCAA has finished the review of the adoption application documents registered with our office before July 31, 2005." This means the China Center for Adoption Affairs has deemed us worthy of raising one of their own. Our paperwork will now move into the "matching" room. We are one step closer......
Arny asked Kelsey and Jed if they would be interested in coming to China with us. Kelsey was excited and Jed grunted, which in "16 year old boy speak" means he may actually be excited too.
All in all, not a bad day at all.
"The CCAA has finished the review of the adoption application documents registered with our office before July 31, 2005." This means the China Center for Adoption Affairs has deemed us worthy of raising one of their own. Our paperwork will now move into the "matching" room. We are one step closer......
Arny asked Kelsey and Jed if they would be interested in coming to China with us. Kelsey was excited and Jed grunted, which in "16 year old boy speak" means he may actually be excited too.
All in all, not a bad day at all.
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