What to Say

I haven't written for some time now. Every time I started, I stopped because I didn't know what to say. What can you say?

My mother died on July 8th. I have avoided thinking about it by immersing myself in the day to day stuff that is life. Now that things are slowing down, I am beginning to understand the repercussions.

She was so much part of my daily life. The daily phone call, our lifeline since we moved to Japan, would start my day on most mornings. We would talk about everything, from politics to bridge. Towards the end, our conversation was limited by her hearing loss and refusal to wear her hearing aid. But still, I miss that connection.

Her humor, most of the time not intentional, was hysterical. A few days before she died we were having a conversation about reincarnation. I asked her what she wanted to come back as and she said “a six foot blond”. That was my mother.

When a clearly ignorant aide asked my mother in the hospice “what does it feel like to be dying”, my mother replied “I don’t know, I’ll let you know when I’m dead”. She knew she was dying for awhile now. She kept telling me how she was old and had a good life. I never wanted to hear it, believing instead it was her attitude – that she was depressed at not being able to do what she used to do. That she was. But she was also starting the process of saying goodbye. At the time I thought it was annoying, but now I realize what a gift it was. She made me face the idea of the world without her, months before I would actually have to.

She went in peace and with dignity. I am left with the thought that she went the way she wanted to and the knowledge that somewhere, there is a 6 foot blond named Beatrice, enjoying herself immensely.