I Finally Broke Down

All the months of waiting, all of the uncertainty, all of the stress - it all finally got to me yesterday. I did something I swore I wouldn't do and up until now had no desire to. I've been oh so slighted tempted, but always had no problem "just saying no" and walking by. But, I just couldn't take it anymore. The frustration of this way too long wait, coupled with the uncertainty of moving to Tokyo reached the tipping point and I gave in to the temptation and...................WENT BABY CLOTHES SHOPPING!!!

There was a sample sale of darling tiny little clothes and Michelle, Lori and I met there. I immediately scarffed up a bunch of things, satisfying my craving. Michelle and Lori on the other hand were much more restrained, which I really don't understand since they actually have seen the pictures of the children they need to to buy things for. I, on the other hand, have not. Although, little TeeBeeDee has already been enrolled in school, so I suppose it isn't too outrageous to buy my "not quite here" daughter some clothes to wear.

Bundle of Joy #2

The phone rang at work today and when I picked it up, the calmest voice said "Jennifer, can you conference in Lori?". It was Michelle - this was it. She might have been calm, but I started hyperventilating and immediately disconnected her as I simultaneously kicked my office door closed and tried the conference call.

Today was the day - Lian Kai Xin, 9 months old, is currently residing in the Jiangsu Province and apparently "stubbornly" waiting for Michelle and Evan to come and get her. According to the agency director, she is beautiful, a good sleeper and yes, very stubborn. "Just like me" said Michelle.

They will get the pictures and more details tomorrow.......I (I mean they) can't wait!!

TeeBeeDee's going to school!!

"We are happy to announce there is a place in our school for your child in our 2006-2007 Academic year program"

"Baby DiLaura is enrolled in the Red Room".

Yes, our "not yet our" daughter was accepted at the Battery Park City Day Nursery. Now, the fact that we may very well be in Tokyo and she won't be attending makes absolutely no difference. It is nice to know she got in!!

It Hit Me

There was the sense of excitement in the air yesterday as it was the first really nice spring day in New York. The sky was blue, the air not yet humid and everyone was out to experience the warmth of the sun. I thought I would take Tess for a walk down to the dogrun by the marina. We started out and all around us were families out enjoying the glorious day. With all of the shiny new Bugaboo and Mcclaren strollers in view, it was clear that many families were with children that last year were just dreams in their parent's hearts.

I was dreaming too last May - about finishing up the paperwork so I could send it off to China. I was dreaming about taking my child out, in her stroller, to the playground - to laugh with her as she reveled in the swing going higher and higher, to cheer her on as she navigated the sandbox or tried to climb the big jungle gym, watchful but not hovering - or at least trying really hard not to.

Had things gone according to plan, I too would be pushing my baby in the stroller yesterday. I would be watching her play and explore. I would be remembering the long wait and thinking "I can't believe the time went so fast. Just last year...."

But I wasn't.

And it hurt.

Dreaming

Last night I had my first baby dream in a long time. She was small, with a cap of short but thick black hair and I held her the entire dream. I had her, but nothing else - no bottle, no food, etc. We went into a store, but I don't remember buying anything. Then, we had a stroller, which I promptly left on the bus. Luckily, she wasn't in it.