Practicing

When Arny and I went to our first meeting with Rabbi Renee, the rabbi performing our wedding, I cried as she read various passages she might include in the ceremony. I apologized for the leaky eyes and was embarrassed that I couldn't hold it together. I thought "how am I going to make it through the actual ceremony if I can't even listen to her read sitting at her dining room table?". I vowed I was not going to be a basket case at my own wedding, so I practiced. She sent the draft of the "script" and I would sit in front of the computer, reading and crying. Over and over I would read, until I could get through the entire thing without a tear.

It worked. The night of the ceremony, not a tear fell (at least as far as I can remember).

Now I am practicing again. The phone call, saying our child is ours, the day we meet our child for the first time- I constantly imagine how each will go. And I cry; on the subway, waiting for the subway, in the elevator, walking down the street. First my eyes tear up and I quickly start thinking of something else. Sometimes it works, but most of the time at least one tear makes it down my cheek. I wipe it away and pretend nothing has happened. I have about 7 months to go. I wonder if that will be enough time???