The milk chocolate layered on top slowly melts in my mouth as I sit on the couch.
Alone.
No little legs or arms climbing on me, no wet nose nudging me. Ariana is happily sitting on baba-san’s lap as they watch “The Lion King” on the computer in our bedroom, with baba singing the songs to her and her watching with amazement – at both the screen and the sight of her baba singing.
Doggie-san is somewhere, I don’t know where.
And I.
I am on the couch.
Alone.
With my cookie.
Enjoying it in solitude.
For a few lone minutes.
I look out at the lights of the city trying to remember the last time I had the opportunity to notice them. Being able to concentrate on one thing. A luxury. Since we brought Ariana home, my mind has been split in two. No matter what I am doing, half my brain in on her. In the bedroom as I fold clothes, I keep an eye out and when I can't, an ear out for the silence that means trouble; in the shower as I scrub, my eye catches her as she plays on the floor making sure she is not getting into anything even though there are locks on the cabinets; in the kitchen as I cook, with one eye on the pot, the other is on her, making sure she is not too close.
Outside it is even worse; constantly watching for cars that may swerve; pedestrians that may be too preoccupied texting to watch where they are walking; cyclists going to fast to see the little person in front of them wanting to walk instead of sitting safely in her stroller.
Conversations with friends are accomplished with only half a brain; the other half watching to see that she doesn't put something in her mouth or fall off the swing. Yes, it is possible for your brain to be watching. It is possible for every part of you to be watching.
And it does.
All the time.
It is draining.
It is necessary.
Because the alternative is too horrible to imagine.
So I watch.
With everything.
Until now.
With her safely in baba-sans lap.
I get to stop watching.
And watch the lights.
And eat my cookie.
4 comments:
I loved this post!
It is so true that when you are a mommy you are wired to be watching out for your child at ALL times.
I remember this SOOOO clearly! You brought back that feeling, and the first awareness of the substantial change in your life that brought you to that moment of hyperwatchfulness.
OK, so are you saying that I'm a bad mother because Mia hid in my closet and I couldn't find her? Whatever, bring it on..... Of course, that is only topped by the two of us 'sleeping' together on the couch, and I dozed for a second and she rolled on to the floor. Sheesh. What's next?
Michelle dear, I do "bad mom" things almost on a daily basis - between dropping her and/or letting her fall, looking the other way when she puts the dog's toys in her mouth, watching with amusement as she eats cheerios off the floor in Starbucks with her friend Yuto(it's Japan, how dirty can they be)and other things too numerous to count, all I can say is "I try"...you are a wonderful mom, despite any momentary lapses...
Post a Comment