"I want to do something more than donate cans of food", my friend says. We are talking about Haiti and the most recent scandal involving a religious group from the United States being arrested for trafficking children. My friend says she wants to look into adopting a Haitian child. "Now that we will be saving money on Billy's schooling, we have the money".
I know how easy it is to read the news media's reports on Haiti, seeing the pictures of the children sitting outside with no food and presumably no family and think how great it would be. Sure, you want to provide a child with a home and loving parents, sure you want to help, sure you want to be a parent (either for the first time or again). Watching the news and seeing the devastation that is Haiti - you can't help but think a child would be better off here, in a warm home with clean sheets and unlimited food.
I wonder though, how many of these people consider anything more than that? When my husband and I first talked about adoption, we certainly didn't - we were caught up in the "we want a child" bubble. It was only after our daughter came home did I really understand what it meant to adopt. Sure, I read as much as I could about every aspect of raising a child who came to the family by way of adoption, who came from another country, with a very different culture. Who was a toddler. And all of the reading helped, especially in the first few months. But it wasn't until she was here, in our home, that the full extent of the responsibility I had sunk in.
Adopting a child means you are also adopting a child's past. Whether a few days old or several years, they all have a history to deal with. Simply bringing a child to a new home, feeding, clothing and hugging them is only the first step. As parents of adopted children, we must walk a fine line between the past and present. Our children's past must be treated with the same respect as their present. That may not be easy when the circumstances are not ideal, but our children's self respect and sense of self is tied to their past just as it is their present. Celebrating their culture is celebrating a vital part of these children. It can be extremely challenging though, when you have knowledge that your child has experienced pain and suffering, when all you want to be angry at the people responsible.
I asked my friend if she understood that she would have to deal with the trauma any Haitian child. If she thought about how that trauma would present itself and if she had thought about how she would handle it. There was silence.
Adoption is not all hugs and kisses.
Prior to bringing our daughter home, we read many books and articles on the issues involved in trans racial adoption. We had anticipated a baby around one year old and when we actually received our referral, we started reading about adopting toddlers and the added needs they have. At 25 months, she was a little person. With language. With memories. With almost a lifetime in an orphanage, what emotions would she bring with her? After over 3 years at home, she still has trouble going to sleep by herself, much preferring to have someone there with her. The insecurity of meeting people for the first time, or being in a large group will sometimes render her mute. With little information on the specifics of her past, the cause is unknown. No matter, attention must be paid. These children of Haiti have a past that has been spread all over the news - I just wonder if the people who are clogging the phones of agencies all over have given that a thought.
Despite what you read in the media, adoption is not as simple as filling out a few forms and waiting. The forms fill a filing cabinet, the certification of those forms take money, the required education many, many hours. The approval process takes months and that is just for the US. There are an entirely separate process required by each country. Each country has requirements for who can adopt, so while you may be eligible in the US, you may not be in the country.
All children deserve to be in a loving home, but steps need to be taken to insure the children available for adoption truly are available. Recent reports of the group arrested for child trafficking makes me sick. Presented with brochures of swimming pools and classroom, Haitian parents sent their children away to what they thought was a school run by a minister, someone they thought they could trust. Little did they know that here in the United States, that same "school" was presented as a place where children eligible for adoption lived until "you are ready to give them a home". These people have somehow taken a religious calling and turned it into a business of deceiving parents into giving up their children. Isn't there a little something in the bible that says "thou shall not lie" - or what about "thou shall not steal?"
Attention must be paid, care must be taken - for the sake of these children.
In these many boxes that now fill half the garage are our beautiful cherry cabinets. I have spent all morning trying to match up the number of boxes with the order form and cannot do it. Either I have too much or too little. Things like the drawer dividers I know are installed in the cabinet, but other things I think should be there. Like entire cabinets. But of course, on the delivery sheet they are listed one way and on the order form, another. I will just keep my fingers crossed that when they are installed, there is not a gaping hole where one should be.
