The Guilt.....

....of leaving your child as they scream. The third day of pre-school didn't go nearly as well as the first. She was fine as we walked into the building and took the elevator to the school. I could tell she was nervous when we entered as she climbed me like a tree and held on like the little monkey she is.

I sat holding her for awhile outside the classroom saying over and over "mommy comes back". But she wasn't having any of it. I carried her into the classroom and still, she wouldn't let go. Bringing her to the blocks, she played for a little while, but once I suggested she go and play with her new friends, she was back in my lap, holding on to my neck with a firm grip.

At one point the teacher came and tried to pull her away from me. Big mistake - she screamed and I had a flashback to the day we got her and the scream as she was pulled from her nanny. With a look that said "back off" I said to the teacher to leave her with me for a few minutes, wondering how bad it would be to just keep her with me until she goes off to college, because hearing that scream and seeing that face filled with terror was just too hard.

I carried her to the slide and she reluctantly played for awhile and then we sat down. The teacher came over and sat and I told Ariana again how I would be back. The teacher said she would call if she was having a bad day.

She cried.

I left.

She cried.

I stood outside the door and listened.

The crying stopped.

I risked a peek and saw her sitting in the teacher's lap.

I left.

And waited.

For the phone to ring.

I'm still waiting.