Woke up to the worst news!!!! Referrals are coming in and it seems they are only going until the 22nd (We are the 27th). While with every other month in the past, there is a warning: certain agencies, usually the larger ones or ones overseas get the news about the cut off date; there was no warning this time. People talked about hearing something early next week and get the referrals the beginning of September. No one was expecting them today - they took everyone by surprise.
And I am so sad.
I desperately want to stop waiting; wondering; imagining. I want it to be real. The idea of the movers coming tomorrow, bringing the crib and all of the other baby things and me still not having a face to put in the crib, or to dress in the clothes, or bathe with the Johnson & Johnson's lavender baby wash; it is too much...
All the comforting and reassuring thoughts that I have heard and said myself to others - "It wasn't meant to be", "all in good time", "When you get her, the wait will feel like nothing", "all in good time", "she is not ready yet" and the worst one of all "you are not in control" mean nothing - they are no comfort right now.
I. Just. Want. My. Baby.
And to top it all off - how cruel is a world where you can have wrinkles, cellulite, hot flashes and pimples all at the same time? now really, how much more am I supposed to take???!!!!????
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2 comments:
THIS TOTALLY SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i won't try to say anything to make you feel better, 'cause waiting sucks and waiting in a foreign country where you can't have drinks with your friends who already have their babies and know exactly what you're going through(dangling preposition) REALLY SUCKS TOO! so, just go ahead and wallow..... because soon, soon, before you know it, you are going to be experiencing the most joy you can ever imagine in your life, so much so that you're like crying all the time and you don't even know why, and even when you're experiencing it, you can't believe that you never had the chance to experience that feeling before, and you think what took me so long to be a mom to this spectacularly amazing baby, whose diaper i had to change on amsterdam avenue (whoops, all about me again.... sorry).
good to talk today. really. and i'm sorry you're sad. temper that sadness with the joy of knowing that YOU'RE NEXT! and it's gonna be soon. and by the way, having the baby does not make the wait "worth it", but it does help you to make sense of it. you'll see what i mean if i'm not being clear now. promise. xxmichelle
ps: there's lots of weird food on sticks in china too!
there you go, trying to cheer me up when all I wanted to do was wallow -
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